Not everything in my life revolves around tattoos. It sure seems that way sometimes, but the center of our world is really our kids; our girls. They’ve obviously grown up around tattoos and tattooed people, so they have come to know a more unconventional life than many of their friends and that’s okay. But, regardless of what we do for a living, we’re still parents first.

With parenthood, you have love and understanding with doses of discipline sprinkled with a bit of creativity. Augie is quite creative and Sofie proved that with him one night. This night has now become known as “The Thong Inferno.”

When Sofie was 14 years old, she received a gift card from Victoria’s Secret for Christmas. It was NOT from us!! We had no idea she was receiving this gift until she opened it up at a family gathering. She was excited; I was horrified. I didn’t want my kid buying under-skivies that should only be worn by women of legal age. Sure, that may make me sound like a prude, but I don’t care. While you’re living in my house and not an adult yet, your butt will have full coverage.

Before we could tell the gift givers that they need to take the card back, Sofie promised that she would only buy hoodies, t-shirts or yoga pants with it. She begged us to let her keep it. We said she could and let her know that NO UNDER-SKIVIES WILL BE PURCHASED.  She agreed.

Every year, after Christmas is over, I always take the girls to the mall so they can spend the money and gift cards they got as presents. This has been our tradition for the past seven or eight years. Before, they got Build-a-Bear gift cards, ones for clothing or jewelry; innocent stuff. The Victoria Secret gift card was a game changer. Thank goodness Gia didn’t get one.

I reminded her the night before our outing, the morning of our outing and in the car on our way there that there will be only hoodies, shirts or pants being bought with said gift card. I even reminded her as we approached the store. “I know, Mom! I know!” is all she kept saying.

I let her mosey around the store while Gia and I looked at the shirts. I’d peek over at Sofie from time to time to keep an eye on what she was looking at….so far so good. My mind was at ease when I saw her with a hoodie and a pair of pants draped over her arm. Yay, she’s listening!  I turned my attention back to Gia.

Not a minute later, I turned around again and saw Sofie hovering over a display of underwear. Taking Gia by the hand, we headed over to the crowd surrounding all of these drawers of underwear. I snuck up behind her and peered over her shoulder. She didn’t know I was there as she held up a pair of lacey butt floss. Oh, hell no! I tapped her on the shoulder. She spun around with a look of horror that quickly turned into anger.

Before I could say anything, she spouted off about how uncool I was and how unfair I am because all of her friends wear thongs. Really? Justin the quarterback wears these? Huh….that’s good to know, but it doesn’t change the fact that I said no. She continued to spew justifications my way. My favorite was when she tried to justify the importance of not having panty lines with yoga pants. Then wear a longer shirt. She didn’t like that answer.

By this point, all the people around the display were staring at us. I could care less. I just gave them a wink and a smile and followed my pissed off child as she stormed away from me. Good times! She eventually made her way to the checkout line with the clothes I approved of, not saying a word to me. I told her that Gia and I will wait outside of the store for her. Big mistake! But I wouldn’t find that out until later.

It wasn’t until about a week or so later, when Sofie asked me if I could put her laundry in the dryer that I realized that I had been had. As I’m taking the clothes out of the washing machine, a small wad of fabric fell onto the floor. At first, I couldn’t tell what the soggy lump was, but when I picked it up, I knew! It was a thong. No she didn’t! Yes, she did.

I remembered seeing a sign on the underwear display that said, “Buy 2 Get 1 Free,” so I knew there was more. I pulled all of the wet clothes out the dryer and hunted for the other two pairs. I only found one more. With two dank thongs in my hand, I headed upstairs. She was standing in the kitchen with her back to me.

“Hey, Sof.  Is there something you’d like to tell me?” I asked as the thongs dangled from my finger. When she spun around, you would have thought she’d seen a ghost. I didn’t give her a chance to answer.

“Where’s the third pair?” I queried.

“Uhhhh…..I’m wearing them.” She knew she was busted and didn’t even try to give an explanation.

“Give them to me,” I said as her eyes about popped out of her head.

“Now? Here?”

“If that’s what you want to do. I’d rather you go into the bathroom.”

With her head down, she headed to the bathroom to take them off. She returned a short time later with the evidence and an apology. Very calmly, I told her that I wasn’t sure how I wanted to handle this, but she will be getting some sort of consequence for buying these when she wasn’t supposed to. She nodded her head and went back to doing what she was doing.  

A few hours later, when Augie called to say he was on his way home from work, I filled him in on what happened. All he said was, “Okay. I will see you when I get home.” That was it. Normally, I can read him pretty well, but this time, I had no clue what he was thinking.

I was downstairs watching TV when he arrived home. He gave me a kiss and asked where Sofie and the thongs were. I told him she was in her room listening to music and I pointed to the thongs on the floor. He picked them up and headed upstairs. A short time later, I heard them go outside.

I wasn’t sure what they were doing out there, but I assumed that he was throwing them in the outside trash and wanted her to watch him do that. Well, that’s what I get for assuming. It wasn’t until Gia and her friend (who was sleeping over that night) came downstairs and told me what was going on. About that time, Augie and Sofie came inside.

“Oh my god, Mom,” Gia started. “Dad burned Sofie’s underwear!” What????

Before I could get off the couch, Sofie and Augie came walking in. He had a huge grin on his face and was doing a little dance. She was laughing. What the hell is going on?

“Mom, Dad burned my thongs! He lit them on fire in the driveway……AND he sang and danced around them. It was so embarrassing,” said Sofie. Augie, still smiling, nodded his head. I asked for an explanation.

 

Augie told me that on the way home, he was trying to figure out what he could do to teach her a lesson about doing something after she was told not to. He figured that burning the underwear would make that point. He said that while it burned, he felt like singing and dancing. His song, I was told, was about how his daughter who bought underwear that she was told not to buy and that he was BBQ-ing them.

“And Mom, cars were going by while Dad sang and danced. He got louder and danced more crazy each time they went by,” Sofie told me as she laughed. She went on to say that she has learned her lesson and promised that she will never buy thongs again. And she’s kept that promise. Well, at least that I know of, but I now keep a closer eye on that laundry of hers.

I guess we can call that one, “Lessons Learned From a Tattoo Dad.”