I will never forget the bizzaro conversation I had with a woman selling body jewelry. I had actually met her once before at the Christmas party her and her husband threw at their tattoo shop in the city several months prior to this. Wouldn’t you have liked to be a fly on that wall?!

Our little chat started out with her asking me if I was pierced; she couldn’t remember. I hadn’t been pierced yet and was too embarrassed to say no, so I lied. I told her I had my nipples done. Big mistake! She asked if she could see the jewelry I was wearing. WHAT??? I guess that’s what I get for lying. I think the look on my face startled her more than the question she asked me because she quickly grabbed some sample jewelry and started her pitch with no more mention of checking out the goods.

“Do you plan on breast feeding?” she asked.  What? Why? Do I look pregnant? I’m only 19! Oh dear God! I wanted to run. I should’ve run, but my feet wouldn’t move. My inner curiosity stomped all over flight response like a coon hound on the hunt.

“I was just curious since you’re young and your nipples are pierced….I wasn’t sure if you knew that you can still breastfeed with your jewelry still in.” I should’ve ran. She offered me tips about what to look for in good breastfeeding jewelry. Of course she had plenty of samples.

For you ladies out there, I feel the need to pass these tips on to you. You know, just in case. It’s the least I can do….

1.       Barbells are best. Curved barbells are okay, but most babies prefer the straight barbell. Most babies prefer……why? You asked them?

2.       Only keep the hoops in if you’re sure the ball is secure in the middle. The balls could be a choking hazard. And jewelry in the mouth won’t be?

3.       If there are “crusties” where the barbell comes out, clean it off. Barf….

4.       Don’t wear the bondage chain that connects the rings. The baby can get tangled up in it. Anyone have some water? I’m going to pass out!

Okay, call me an effin prude if you want. I do not care. What she told me grossed me out so bad that I when I did finally get my nipples pierced, I only had them in for about a year. The second we started talking about starting our family, those suckers came out and never went back in. I wanted to make sure I was completely and utterly healed before I gave birth! Gross!!