I will never forget the bizzaro conversation I had with a woman selling body jewelry. I had actually met her once before at the Christmas party her and her husband threw at their tattoo shop in the city several months prior to this. Wouldn’t you have liked to be a fly on that wall?!

Our little chat started out with her asking me if I was pierced; she couldn’t remember. I hadn’t been pierced yet and was too embarrassed to say no, so I lied. I told her I had my nipples done. Big mistake! She asked if she could see the jewelry I was wearing. WHAT??? I guess that’s what I get for lying. I think the look on my face startled her more than the question she asked me because she quickly grabbed some sample jewelry and started her pitch with no more mention of checking out the goods.

“Do you plan on breast feeding?” she asked.  What? Why? Do I look pregnant? I’m only 19! Oh dear God! I wanted to run. I should’ve run, but my feet wouldn’t move. My inner curiosity stomped all over flight response like a coon hound on the hunt.

“I was just curious since you’re young and your nipples are pierced….I wasn’t sure if you knew that you can still breastfeed with your jewelry still in.” I should’ve ran. She offered me tips about what to look for in good breastfeeding jewelry. Of course she had plenty of samples.

For you ladies out there, I feel the need to pass these tips on to you. You know, just in case. It’s the least I can do….

1.       Barbells are best. Curved barbells are okay, but most babies prefer the straight barbell. Most babies prefer……why? You asked them?

2.       Only keep the hoops in if you’re sure the ball is secure in the middle. The balls could be a choking hazard. And jewelry in the mouth won’t be?

3.       If there are “crusties” where the barbell comes out, clean it off. Barf….

4.       Don’t wear the bondage chain that connects the rings. The baby can get tangled up in it. Anyone have some water? I’m going to pass out!

Okay, call me an effin prude if you want. I do not care. What she told me grossed me out so bad that I when I did finally get my nipples pierced, I only had them in for about a year. The second we started talking about starting our family, those suckers came out and never went back in. I wanted to make sure I was completely and utterly healed before I gave birth! Gross!!

I get a kick out of watching people.  People piss me off a lot, but I still find them fascinating. That’s one of the things I loved about going to tattoo shows. It was like walking amongst a reality show. But it was at my one that I saw a guy I absolutely fell in love with. I never got to meet him, I just gazed from afar.

It was his choice outfit that caught my eye. He was sporting these satiny knee socks that would normally be nestled in a pair of nice Wing Tip shoes were instead being consumed by a pair of sensible black sandals. But it wasn’t until I looked further up on this gentleman that I realized the socks and sandal combo was the least shocking of the outfit.

From what I observed so far, I could tell that he took precious time in finding just the right thing to wear. He had on the brightest pair of BVD’s I had ever seen. Of all the colors of tightie whities, he had to pick canary yellow; canary yellow with white trim, no less. Those suckers were bright! It was like looking at the moon only to be blinded by the sun.

Not only was the outfit one of a kind, but I would soon find out, so was the guy. He was a 92 year old man that was covered from his neck down with old, old tattoos. They were so old they were blue and running together. It was as if he had been painted with the colors of the ocean.

I couldn’t get over all of the history that was tattooed all over his body; the designs, the styles, the ink and the tools that were used. I was captivated. I even tried to picture what it might have been like to get a tattoo back in the 1920’s and 30’s. What were the tools like? How clean was the place? How drunk was everybody?

I know he’s passed on by now (this was back in 1992), but he still pops in my head once in a while. I can still see him walking along with a big grin on his face enjoying all of the attention from the people there. He looked like he was having the time of his life. I hope that if I’m lucky enough to be kicking a long like that at 92 that I’m as vibrant as he was and that I have better fashion sense.

Augie invited me to go with him to a tattoo convention when I was 18 years old. This particular convention was one that he went to every year up in northern Wisconsin. That year, he invited me to tag along with him. So, we grabbed some friends and off we went.

My curiosity was on full speed during the ride up there. I knew that I would be in a room surrounded by a bunch of  people with tattoos all over and piercings everywhere, but I never expected that I would come face to face with a seriously pissed off member of the Outlaw bike club AND that I was the one that pissed him off.

Did you know that bike clubs frown upon you trying to take their picture? Well, let me tell you….they do! I learned a very good lesson that day and it’s one that I will never forget! Hell, I’ve learned this lesson so well that I’m still not all that comfortable with making eye contact for too long with anyone in a bike club and it happened over 20 years ago. Here’s what happened…..

I had been walking around the convention hall checking out all of the people, snapping pictures and taking it all in when I spied a clutch of bikers down by the Harley Davidson display. They were all standing around laughing and drinking their beers while their ladies gathered next to them. I have to admit, I was so captivated. Scenes from a movie where Sam Elliot played this biker guy dating Cher kept popping in my head. I whipped out my camera.

It took me some time to align my shot because I wanted to capture something edgy. In my mind, I was about to snap a photo worthy of a magazine cover. It wasn't until I moved a bit to my right that I caught the eye of one of the guys through the view finder. This was it! This was going to be the perfect shot!  As I adjusted the focus, he came towards me with serious intent in his eye.

He was walking at such a quick pace that he kept going in and out of focus. Before I knew it, his belly had engulfed my view finder. All I saw was black. Just then I heard Augie say, “I’m sorry, man. She didn’t know. I swear.” I peeked up from my camera and looked at both of them with stark confusion. Didn’t know what??

The guy, who matched Augie’s six foot three frame, looked down at me, then back to Augie and said, “Keep an eye on your bitch.” Bitch? Who the fuh…..Augie had my arm and was pulling me back to where our friends were waiting, apologizing to the guy as we walked away. What the hell just happened?

He flat out told me that I came real close to getting my ass kicked. He explained that the guy didn’t want his picture taken because more than likely, he was wanted for some kind of illegal activity. I could feel my eyes budge out of my head because this is what I heard him say….You could’ve been killed by someone who could’ve killed somebody!

Thank goodness this happened on the last day of the convention. I was so overcome with terror at the meager thought of running into that guy again that I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. Lesson learned! But that would only be the first of many lessons. I got schooled at a lot of things!

Part Two:

The only logical thing to do, we thought, was to open our own place. We had thrown the idea around several times throughout the years and decided this couldn’t have been a more perfect time to do it. So, we sat down and made a plan of action.

Augie already had a lot of his own equipment that went beyond the scope of just the machines and all the goodies that go along with those (needles, power cords, power box, ink and so on).The items we did need belonged Doc. All of that went to his family, as it should. They were items such as displays, an autoclave, flash (the designs on the walls), and so on. Not a big deal.  We could get the equipment we needed online. The big deal was finding a place.

You would think that we could just rent the same place he had been at for over 15 years and we’d be ready to go, but that wasn’t the case. The landlord had told all of us about the possibility of selling the place to the village the previous year. There had been talks between the neighboring towns about putting in a road that connects Rt. 31 and Rt. 25. This would mean that the building and surrounding structures would have to be knocked down.  Suffice it to say, there was a good chance he would sell. We had to find other options.

Let me tell you…..finding a place sucked! One place was so off the beaten path that no one would ever find us. Another one was practically in the parking lot of a bar……HELL NO! The last thing we need is to have a bunch of drunken idiots coming in and signing consent for a tattoo of a pink polar bear in a flowered tutu playing the accordion while dancing on a rainbow and regretting it in the morning. No thank you!

The rest of them would either flat out say no or they would spout off the most outrageous rent amounts to make us be the ones that say no thanks. I kid you not……we had on guy tell us that rent would be $4,500 a month for a place smaller than a three car garage. Dude, really? Grow some balls and tell me you don’t want our kind.

We searched for about two months for a place when we got a phone call that changed everything. It was the old landlord. Talk of the new road was fading, so he decided to keep the building. He offered us a great deal on rent and told us we could have the keys the next day. I’m not a religious person, but I gotta say Amen, hallelujah! And on July 18, 2006, Augie’s Place Tattooing and Piercing was open for business!

Business was good. A lot of clients didn’t even know the place had been shut down for a few months. They would come in and ask about the name change, but other than that, it was business as usual. It was a great transition. Now, if only somebody would do something about this dang economy……!