“Tips are welcomed and accepted” reads the sign in Augie’s office. He put the sign up many, many years ago after some of his clients had continually asked him if it was appropriate to give him a tip after being tattooed or pierced. And over the years, clients have taken that sign and interpreted it in their own way.

For the most part, cash is given to him for his tip, which is the customary thing to do. A select few have offered him dogs, lizards, shirts and even shoes as a tip for the services he has provided. Thank goodness he didn’t accept the animals. If he had, we’d be living in a zoo right now.

Bolder clients have gone as far as to offer him various forms sex for the work he has done. Of course those offers are proposed by mostly women, but you may be surprised to know that boyfriends and husbands have offered up their wives and girlfriends to him for their appreciation as well.

“C’mon dude! My old lady will blow your mind,” no pun intended.

I don’t know what’s more distressing…..the girls having no idea that their men have offered them up to Augie or the ones that are standing in the room and  are all for their husband or boyfriend’s suggestion. Either way, I find it bothersome.

Thankfully, Augie shuts those guys down along with all the women that offer up their skills to him. He’s a smart man. I guess if he didn’t, I wouldn’t be a Tattoo Wife right now.

So, what’s the moral of this story? If you want to give him a tip, please stick with cash.

Did you know that the tattoo industry went unregulated in Illinois until 2006? Sadly, it took that long to get policies and regulations in place. I for one am thrilled! Yah, yah I know… it gives the government a chance to put another finger into the ass of humanity, but it needed to happen.

I have seen a steady increase of shops popping up over the years. Where I live there are at least four or five. That’s incredible considering that when Augie and Doc set out to find a place to open back in 1989, they were hit with a lot of “not in my town” responses. It took them close to a year to find a place that would accept them. But, that’s a story for another time.

Several years before the laws were set in place, a tattoo artist on the east coast attempted to regulate the entire country under one set of policies for tattooing and piercing. I did like the idea, but not to the extent that she wanted. She attempted to implement a law that stated all shops have to have a registered nurse on the premises during all operating hours. And it would be at our expense.

We all panicked. We had no clue how much it was going to cost us to have a nurse there. These guys have fluxuating income; how are they supposed to pay him/her at a time when there is no money coming in? How much would it be to insure this person? We wouldn’t have been able to stay open.

Well, those two put their heads together and came up with a plan…..send Aimee to nursing school. I thought it was a great idea! I’ve watched “ER” and the Discovery Channel, it didn’t look that hard. I wasted no time in getting started with this. I called the school and was lucky enough to be accepted for the next semester they had coming up.

As excited as I was, nothing could have prepared me for the challenge that lied ahead. Basically, it sucked from day one. I found out rather quickly that my brain does not have the capacity for medical terminology or pharmacology dosage calculations. It was such a struggle.

I would study my note cards constantly, but no matter how hard I tried, nothing would stick. And these are things you kinda need to know when you’re working with the human body. Study groups didn’t help, studying independently didn’t help, making up songs and rhymes didn’t help. I ended up failing. I just couldn’t pull it off. It was apparent that I was not meant to be a nurse.

Yes, I was disappointed, but I was more upset with the fact that I wasn’t able to do this for them. I felt like a failure. However, it didn’t take long for those feelings to quickly turn into relief. We found out that the woman on the east coast decided to stop pushing this initiative forward. She had run into so many brick walls that she pretty much gave up. Which was fine by me; I didn’t want to have to go back and do that again.

There are a few things you should know (compliments of Augie)….

1.     A “tat” can be drawn in 5 minutes. Real artwork takes time.

2.     Creative designs rarely come flying out of my ass. They require actual work. The day that happens, I'll let you know.

3.     If you didn’t take care of your tattoo, it doesn’t mean that I screwed up. You did.

4.     No, I cannot cover your tribal armband with a tiny daisy.

5.     A good tattoo isn’t cheap. I’m sorry if you can’t afford it. Maybe you shouldn't have bought the new smart phone.

6.     Go ask my landlord if he'll give me a discount this month and if he says yes, then I’ll be happy to give you the “hook up.”

7.     Yes, tattoos do hurt. Did you expect to a massage when you sat down? Suck it up buttercup and hold still!!

8.     You came to me because I’m good at what I do and I take pride in my work. Please listen when I give you advice. I’m only trying to make your tattoo look good.

9.     Unless you’re an experienced tattoo artist, please don’t tell me how to do my job. I knew how to do this long before you came in the door.

10.  Don’t let the third cousin of your "bro" give you a tattoo. Owning a “tattoo gun” doesn’t make them talented or skilled.

11. HEPATITIS CAN KILL YOU!!!!! Don’t be a cheap bastard….spend the extra $50.